So Gotta Let The Blog Cry…
Welcome back. This was not my intended topic for this week. I had a whole other piece typed up and ready to go but then ….life. I mean this stuff basically writes itself lol.
Before I begin, I would like to say thank you. Thank you to every person who has taken the time to like, repost, share, tell a friend, and to everyone who has encouraged me. Today something major happened for me. After a long weekend of partying and running non stop, I was in desperate need of rest. However, I wanted to write instead. This probably doesn’t seem like a big deal. But as someone who has struggled with depression and used sleep as my go to escape, this is a moment to be cherished. This is my baby. And while she is still in her infancy, my love for her is no less. I take great pride and place much care into every word I write, read, and re-read, before clicking publish. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my words. So instead of curling up on my new pillow topper in my perfectly air conditioned apartment. I am here. At my favorite coffee shop in the city, with a bomb mimosa, doing what I love. For that I am grateful.
He Want That Old Thing Back
Now at this point in time I am on mimosa number 2 so this should get interesting pretty quick lol. This piece is personal. It is me working through my own process as I share with you. It is always my goal to speak from a place of honesty, not perfection. But lets get into it….
About three-ish years ago, I was totally engulfed in this guy. He was everything I thought I wanted. He was assertive, had his sh*t together, had GREAT conversation, and made me feel like time had literally stopped when we were together. He was a little shorter than I would have preferred, but he had a big personality (and a big 😎) so I was willing to overlook it lol. Anyway, in the very beginning he told me he didn’t want a relationship. He was honest about where he was in his life. But me thinking I am a champion of all things….felt like I could “love him into it.” Big mistake. Long story short I spent the better part of a year.5 campaigning for something that would be unrequited. Then I thought we could just be “friends.” But after inviting him to a social gathering and him acting a complete ass… I had to hit him with the full guillotine.
But every relationship in my life has one thing in common … they all come back. It is the annoying truth of my life. Like why you have to mess up, leave, and then wait months or years to figure out what you had? But in retrospect, I’m thankful for every lesson and every door that closed. It reminds me of Queen Latifah in “Just Wright.” I always end up being the “home girl” or the one that’s valued afterwards…like way afterwards. (Side note, how you just going to marry a dude that smashed your god sister?) But I digress…
In perfect alignment with the pattern of my life, almost as if on cue. I see a red dot on my Instagram mailbox, altering me to a DM. It was him. Now prior to this there were a few consecutive “likes” on some pics and a follow to alert me of his presence. (My page is not private so he could have just lurked in peace.) But all went without my response… so I guess it was time to kick in up a notch. The messages were as follows:
(Drops mic.) Now like Law & Order names have been changed to protect the innocent. (It is never my goal to “out” anyone. Only to share my experience.) But this? Right here? Is a MOMENT. This is a moment I was genuinely proud of myself. Being able to respond this way let me know I was really, genuinely, 100%, I don’t care if your’e in town, not even if I’m brunch drunk over it. Now do I always feel a 15% urge to be petty? Sure I do. Was I tempted to recount all the reasons that got me to this place with him? You better believe I deleted a few messages that included the word “peridot!” before I sent my final responses. Did I take into consideration the time that had passed and they possibility he could have changed? Yes. But after mulling all of this over, my gut said one thing. It doesn’t matter if he was different, it was about the fact that I was different. There was a time when I craved this man. I thought he was the best thing since coconut Eco Styler gel. But time, experience, and self love, would teach me I had been the very subject in mind when Jazmine Sullivan wrote “Stupid Girls.” (Which is an amazing song PS check out the YouTube video below.)
But like my sisters mentor used to say, “when you know better, you do better.” And baby I was doing BETTER!
Now what I think is most interesting about this conversation is the part where he brings up our history. It is the part when he states “I’d like to think we have a little history where you’d let me apologize and try and get back in your good grace.” This is worth breaking down a little. Because what he is really saying is – based on what he felt he had contributed to the relationship, at the very least I owed him the chance to apologize right? WRONG. Regardless of how much time we’ve known each other, I owe him a whole bunch of not a d*mn thing. While this is not a malice filled, evil master mind attack on me, it is a very subtle form of manipulation. It creates a void where something is to be owed or paid back. To that I have one response…the devil is a lie.
One thing that took me a while to grasp is that “no” is a complete sentence. The other person understanding the why is not relevant, it is also not what gives it validity. My feeling and decision is the only validation it needs. What I have learned, is that people will crave access even if they don’t want relationship. It’s not that they want you or even care about you, they just want to know they could go back if they wanted to. They just want the satisfaction of knowing you will always pick up when they call.
They want to know that if they made enough payments they could take you off lay-a-way whenever they got ready.
If I gave You Diamonds And Pearls
As I relished in my victory, I couldn’t help but hear the Gap Band in my head singing… “You cant keep runnin’ in and out of my life…” But how many times had I allowed this before? See what I failed to mention prior is that when those failed relationships would return for a second go, more times than not …I was game. I was so consumed with the potential of the relationship, I failed to acknowledge the reality of it. Sometimes, a second try is just what the doctor ordered. It was simply bad timing, a misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion, or an inability to communicate feelings fully. However, in my case, it was just returning to the scene of the crime.
Do not give what is holy to dogs, an do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and will turn and tear you to pieces.
– Matthew 7:6
This is my favorite scripture of all scriptures. Now, I am not comparing the men I have dated to dogs or pigs by any means. It is simply an alert to value your precious things. I love my nephew dearly but I don’t allow him to play with my diamond earrings. At four years old he can appreciate their beauty, he is attracted to the shine of them, but he does not know their value. Because of this, it is likely they would end up being used for play and damaged in the process. In the same way time, attention, and love, are the most valuable things any of us have to offer. But give them to someone who doesn’t know their value? And your in for a world of hurt. The inability to properly asses value is a symptom of immaturity. It is a signal that they do not posses the emotional dexterity to handle what is being given properly. And like my nephew, they will play with the shiny thing until it shines no more.
Armed with this knowledge, a decision had to be made. I had to trust in the future rather than lean on the past. I had to start treating my life like my grandmother treated her screen door in the summer. You either going to be inside, or outside…but you not going to keep running back and forth.